Sex Before Marriage

Does anyone save themselves for marriage anymore?  Is purity a thing of the past? 

I can’t be politically correct on this one.  I don’t have the words to express what I want to share in a “culturally relevant” way because the culture says anyone who isn’t sexually expressing themselves is just a prude.   Maybe just one person will listen; maybe that one person will be bold and go against the cultural norm. 

 I might be judged, dismissed as old school and called overly religious for sharing this.  It seems like my beliefs are unpopular and that I’m outnumbered.

 Will people’s opinions stop me from speaking out?  Not one bit.  I’ll keep saying it even if I perceive less and less people want to listen. You can tell me I’m wrong, I will hear you out.  But I have the fruit to prove I’m right on this one.

Sex should be saved for marriageHere me out.  It is still your choice.

I’m in a second marriage while it’s a first marriage for my husband.  He saved sex for after he was married and I’ve been blessed by his commitment. We were married when he was thirty- six.   I was married at the young age of eighteen for the first time and even though I committed to staying pure before marriage, I didn’t. 

Because I didn’t know what grace was, I lived with guilt and shame.  That guilt and shame lead me to make more poor choices.   The church I was raised in had some doctrinal beliefs that were warped and it affected a lot of people.

 For me, I felt that I had to marry the man that I slept with.  Maybe had I not slept with him I would have been able to walk away from the relationship as I saw the signs that we shouldn’t be together.  The teaching about pre-marital sex at my church was that sex binds you to a person and the only way to make it right was to get married.  That belief was so false it’s hard for me even write about it. Basically, I was made to feel stuck.

 I was raised to know Jesus but the rules that we lived by weren’t all scriptural as you can imagine.  It took me years to forgive myself what Jesus already forgave on the cross.

Fear isn’t the reason to stay pure and shame doesn’t correct our sin.  Jesus paid the price for everything.  He simply wants us to be in relationship with Him.  If we walk in continual sin we are the ones making a breach in the relationship.  You are strong enough to stop behavior that won’t bear good fruit.  If you feel bad about it, stop it.

When my husband and I discussed dating, we were individually convicted that we were going to stay pure before marriage. 

We did it!

And, If you want to, so can you.

There is something I’ve never told anyone, and it’s about my sex life.  I’m not even sure what Brian will say about me sharing this.  I’m going to have him read this and I’ll share his response at the end of this article.  I’m a little nervous about it.  Here goes.  Brian says thank you to me every single time we have sex.  At first, it caught me off guard because I never had anyone say thank you.  Now, I love it.  I feel cherished and special.  He takes it one step further, he calls me during his lunch hour the next day just to say thank you.  When the phone rings, I know exactly what he is calling about. 

I know this might seem like too much information but I’m sharing this because he treats our sex life like a gift.  He says thank you, just like he would if I bought him a new book.  I’m not saying everyone needs to be sending a thank you note to their spouse for sex, although that would be funny.

 How about if we all just treat each other like a gift that we eyed sitting under the Christmas tree for weeks and gleefully opened at the designated time?

Recently my husband said, “If we could stay pure, anyone can.”  It’s that simple, we all have the will power and if we have accepted Jesus than we have the holy spirit, which gives us a power that is unlike anything of the world.  We aren’t any more powerful or special than you are.  We decided that our focus would be on growing closer to each other with Christ as the center of our relationship.  We had fun, we learned everything we could about each other and we looked forward to the day we could be intimate with one another. 

When you are a Christian, people are watching how you live your life.  If you have children, they’re watching how you live and developing their views as they see what you do.  What you do, matters.

You need to know:

  • Just because you weren’t pure in your last relationship doesn’t mean you can’t stay pure in your next relationship.

  • You are a gift.  Your mind, your body,  and the spirit that is inside you is a gift.

  • You can choose to be intentional with your gift.

  • You are not a product that has a 30-Day Money Back Guarantee.

  • You do not have to give in to what the culture says is good. 

You may be asking why purity is important.

 I don’t want to be overly preachy to you but I do want you to consider a couple of things.

1 Corinthians 3:16-17 says  “ Don’t you know that you yourselves are Gods temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?  If anyone destroys Gods temple, god will destroy that person; for Gods temple is sacred, and you together are that temple. 

Temple: Our body is a temple and it’s where the Holy Spirit lives.  Using the temple to compare our body to shows us that God requires purity (not just before marriage but always) in order for our body to not be corrupted.  Our choices could corrupt our body.  Very few people were allowed in the temple, only the pure.

Sacred: Connected with God; holy, blessed, sanctified. 

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your bodies.

Honor: Show respect.

Even though the Bible doesn’t use the word soul tie, it’s a common phrase that you may hear related to sexual purity. The Bible speaks about souls being knit together, becoming one flesh.  One way that a soul tie happens is through intimacy. Soul ties between married couples draw them together, while soul ties between fornicators can draw a broken person to a predator, creating an extremely dysfunctional relationship that can go on for a long time. In the demonic world, unholy soul ties can serve as bridges between two people to pass demonic garbage through.

Ephesians 5:31 says “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

Mark 10:7-9 says “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife  and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

1 Corinthians 6:16 says “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”


As promised, here  is Brian’s response to that intimate detail I shared above, the one I was nervous about.

Brian: “Talking about my sex life is a little awkward, and because Nicole is an open person it doesn’t surprise me at all that she would share. I knew it would eventually happen.  I waited a long time to be intimate with a woman because  I made a decision early on that I wanted to be with one woman, my wife.  Nicole and I often joke that I am making up for lost time since I was thirty six when I got married.  I treasure my relationship with my wife and sex is just one area that I can show her that she is special to me.  I’m glad to see that it means as much to her.  I think it makes her feel special because she has had a broken relationship where she wasn’t treasured the way she should have been.”



I remember the feeling I experienced while on our honeymoon.  It was the second night and Brian and I were walking along the deck of our cruise ship when I felt Gods pleasure. 

That feeling was amazing. 

I sincerely want you to know that feeling especially because it’s completely possible.

So many times we go through life feeling like we are doing a mediocre job at everything and at that moment, I felt the complete opposite.  I experienced victory.

Consider this; just because the world is doing it doesn’t mean you have to.  Maybe going against the culture is the right thing, right now.  Be bold and do things differently.